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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.